Forgiveness

Last week I got a parking ticket. I’m talking about a $10 ticket. I think that’s sizable, but my reaction this time was different than it has been in the past. This ticket resulted from pure negligence. I simply forgot to feed the meter. When I saw the ticket, I immediately wrote the check, walked a block down the street and deposited my penance in the little box attached to a pole. Thus, within minutes the ticket was discovered, dealt with and forgotten (almost). Previous tickets have triggered different responses. If I’ve fed the meter, and then get there moments after it's expired to find a ticket, I’m red hot mad! Not only had I “wasted” $3 on feeding the meter, in the first place, but now I have to pay $10 more. So what does a passive aggressive person do in a case like this? They scribble their check out, to demonstrate their anger, they wait until the 71st hour to deposit it in “the box,” and they seethe and fume to whoever will, or won’t, listen to them. Once, I felt justified in appealing my ticket, and won. I knew the meter was soon to expire so ran out to the car and discovered that: One, it had expired. Two, there was no ticket on the windshield. Three, there was a meter maid standing next to my car writing, or punching something into an electronic devise. I immediately fed the meter, in front of her, before she could put the ticket on my windshield. This prompted a dialogue. She argued that the ticket was valid from the moment she entered it into her “system.” I countered that there was no ticket on the windshield when I re-fed the meter and that I shouldn’t have to pay. This went on for a short while and ended when she suggested I appeal it, which I did. Did I mention I won the appeal? I thought so.

For some strange reason when I reflected on my tickets and the various ways I dealt with them I got to thinking about “forgiveness.” My most recent ticket experience seems to have been the least painful of my ticketed past. Why is that, I wondered? Is it because I quickly recognized that I was wrong, (forgetful) immediately faced the consequences, paid my dues and then it was over. I could, and did, go about my business without the storm and fury of previous experiences. All was forgiven. Whereas, in the past when I painfully drag it out, I’m the one who gets upset, stressed, mad and distracted, not the city of Urbana. So, by not forgiving myself, I’m the one who suffers.

The need to forgive ourselves for minor annoyances, like parking tickets, is small compared to the interpersonal hurts and losses we face. Fred Luskin, Ph.D. Stanford, is devoting his professional life to the study of forgiveness. Forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression and stress and lead to greater feelings of optimism, hope, compassion and self confidence. Dr. Luskin’s research is conducted in a workshop format and typically lasts from five to six weeks. “It is not therapy. It is teaching people how to learn this kind of skill,” he said. “We can teach people to forgive and that will improve their well-being.” One of the greatest outcomes of forgiveness has been the reduction of anger felt by the forgiver. One of the benefactor’s of Luskin’s work sums it up, “To me, the most important thing was that when you are angry you are only hurting yourself. You are not hurting the person that you are mad at.”

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after, is to find peace. Dr. Luskin lists nine steps toward forgiveness including: Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

This entry submitted by guest blogger, Cathy Colbert Inman.

To Pitch or Not to Pitch

Living in a mid-western university community I feel we get a couple extra “new years” -- opportunities for making resolutions, changes. Spring is filled with rebirth and “newness” in nature, from crocuses and tulips poking through the dark earth, to robins hatching from pastel blue eggshells. In a community that revolves around the University of Illinois, the beginning of the school year also seems like “a new year.” After a slow quiet summer the community blossoms and prospers while the locals cry out, with forked tongues, “Oh no! The students are back!” And lest we forget that our traditional new year begins January 1. I don’t know about you, but I feel more energized in the spring and fall, than I do in the dead of winter, when it comes to making (keeping) resolutions.

One resolution that keeps rearing its ugly head at me is, “Clean out the house!” Notice I said clean “out” the house, not “up” the house. Accumulated clutter -- where does it all come from? We’ve heard the rhetorical question – If a cluttered desk is indicative of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk convey? Well, I’d like to switch words: instead of an empty desk, how about an organized one? I don’t think anyone can argue with being more organized. There are tons of books, websites, blogs, and even TV shows on the subject of decluttering. Why are they so popular? Well maybe there’re lots of clutterbugs, like me, out there. People who spend too much time “looking” for lost items, wasting money on unnecessary stuff and having difficulty parting with certain objects. These behaviors can lead to stress, frustration and negativity.

The first step to effective decluttering starts with our “mind,” not a dumpster. Just like successful dieters have to change the way they think about food and examine what “needs” food is meeting in their lives, we need to ask some similar questions about “things,” and what they represent to us. Lifestyle changes need to come first if we’re to achieve and sustain our new behaviors, be they dieting or declutturing.

But, doesn’t it all seem overwhelming? Where do I begin? Karen Chan, Illinois Extension Educator, of Consumer and Family Economics has developed a comprehensive guide on, "Dealing with Clutter.” You can read all about it at the Extension website: http://www.urbanext.uiuc.edu/clutter/dealing.html

Karen addresses all kinds of clutter, from the paper clutter of magazines, kids’ art work, junk mail and utility bills, to clothes we hope to some day get back into, keepsakes that hold special sentiment, and all the stuff/junk and things that stack up in our garages, basements and attics. The kitchen has its own section, as she shows us how we can organize this very busy room in our house.

Like so many big, overwhelming jobs, we get stuck in our tracks, paralyzed, “can’t move.” But Karen breaks the big jobs into small manageable ones. She introduces us to the Clutter Emergency Card – a series of six questions to aid us in deciding whether to keep or pitch, give away or sell? She shows us that we don’t need enormous blocks of time to tackle the jobs, but we can make good use of small pockets of time. She gives me hope. I can see the light at the end of my attic. I can put my house on a diet and we’ll all be the better for it. Yes I can, yes I will!

This entry submitted by guest blogger, Cathy Colbert Inman

Getting where I need to go

Each year, the first Friday in April is national “Walk to Work Day” in the U.S. Walking, which can be a form of moderate exercise, has been shown to improve health in a number of important ways. People who walk at least 30 minutes a day can lower their risk of heart attack, reduce their blood pressure, and improve their outlook. Not to mention that walking saves gasoline. As prices quickly approach $4.00 a gallon, most of us can use some relief.

I have a confession to make. I live within a 20 minute walk of my workplace and 15 minutes of my child’s school. I’m not sure how long it would take the crow to fly, but this is how long it takes my feet to walk. My feet COULD, that is, if I didn’t keep making excuses for why I don’t do it very often. Let’s see.

• I have too much to carry.
• I don’t have enough time.
• I have errands to run at lunch or right after work.
• I have chauffeur duty for daughter and friends.
• It’s too cold.
• It’s too hot.
• It’s too wet.

I do bike to work occasionally. Somehow taking the time to walk somewhere seems old-fashioned and inconvenient. I walk and do other activity for exercise but when I have somewhere to go, I tend to jump in the car.

Why walk?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends that on most days of the week we get a minimum of 30 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity.

Brisk walking is one example of moderate-intensity exercise. If I’m able to do more vigorous physical activity (such as running), I can shorten it to at least 20 minutes on 3 days a week. National studies conducted by the CDC show that at least half of us do not get the minimum recommended amount of exercise and that 25% of us are not active at all in our free time. Ouch!

Walking tips

Using a pedometer can help. In one study, people who were given information about the benefits of physical activity and pedometers walked more than those only given the information. My pedometer is a little inexpensive one I got free at a health fair. It seems that by clipping it on, I pay more attention to how much I walk throughout the day. It sort of becomes my health conscious… egging me to park a little farther away, take the stairs, and walk instead of drive to get lunch. Sometimes, I find myself personalizing it, competing with it, challenging it (“I KNOW that was more than 53 steps!”). Simple pedometers are widely available, at places like local pharmacies and discount stores for under $5.00. Fancier and pricier ones with many bells and whistles are available in athletic specialty stores and on-line. Many sources recommend between 6,000 and 10,000 steps per day, depending on factors such as whether you are maintaining health, doing other activity, or trying to lose weight.

Walking can be more fun when you’re not alone. Studies have shown that we are more likely to stick with a physical activity when we do it with others. Walking time can be therapy time with a good friend. Did I mention, free therapy time? It can be “couple” time to catch up with your honey. It can even be bonding time with children, who can walk and talk while not having to look you in the eye.

But I have another confession to make. I prefer to walk with my dogs or alone. While this may seem anti-social, for me it serves as quiet time. I have a lot of conversation during my job, so I like to use that ½ hour for quiet. Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I space out, sometimes I plan. Sometimes I have conversations with myself and work out thorny problems. Sometimes I pray. All the while, I sweat and get the benefits that my body and mind desperately need. You might say it’s good for the body and soul.

My local County Extension office in Champaign published these other ideas to be safe and have fun while walking.

• Choose a safe place to walk. Do not wear jewelry or headphones while walking and be aware of your surroundings.
• Wear comfortable shoes and clothing. Shoes should have flexible soles.
• Wear cool clothes in summer and layer your clothes for winter walks outside. Don’t forget sunscreen.
• Walk with chin up and shoulders held slightly back.
• The heel of your foot should touch the ground first as you walk. Walk with your arms swinging at your sides.
• Slow down during the last five minutes of your walk so you can cool down.
• If you have not been exercising regularly, begin your walking program slowly. Add a few more minutes to your walk each week.
• Walk at least 3 times per week but preferably most days of the week.

Additionally, it’s a good idea to do a few stretching exercises before and after a brisk walk. Keeping track of your walks by a simple notation on the calendar may encourage you to stick with the program, as well as chart your progress. And finally, walking and talking (on a cell phone) should be mutually exclusive.

Making a change

With the 2008 “Walk to Work Day” just behind me, I am resolved to make fewer excuses and take advantage of my ability to walk to work as well as many other places. It’s a win-win.

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The Scoop

Every so often I’m startled to realize that I’m now the senior member of my family of origin. No more grandparents, parents or older brother. Once the third oldest cousin on my dad’s side, now I’m the oldest. It’s the natural progression of life -- while losing senior family members the younger generations become prolific. That is good.

Memories sustain us and fortunately I’m saturated with so many. I don’t have personal memories of my great-grandparents, on either side of my family. One set lived far away in Colorado and died when I was young. The other three sets pre-deceased me. Despite not knowing them I heard stories about them and could recognize pictures of them. A few years ago, following the deaths of my parents, I found some of those pictures in my folks’ attic when I was emptying out their house. Several of those pictures now hang on my walls.

Today, like most mornings, I did my time on the stationary bike. The bike’s in the same room where two of my paternal great grandparents’ portraits now hang in their lacquered oval frames. Pedaling away while looking into the eyes of my great grandmother’s portrait day after day does something to me. She’s young in this portrait—probably in her mid to late 30’s. She died young—on Christmas Eve in 1918 from the influenza, during the horrific pandemic. While I can’t say that I’ve learned anything new about my great-grandmother these past few years, I can tell you that I’m more connected to her and enjoy my time in her portrait’s presence each morning.

My story doesn’t end here.

Downstairs in my kitchen I was baking bread last night. You can’t make cranberry cheese bread without sugar, and as I measured the sugar I was feeling connected to yet another great-grandmother. This one is on my mom’s side. The sugar scoop I use is tin, and black with age. It was first my great-grandmother’s, then my grandmother’s, then my mother’s and now it’s mine. Using the scoop adds an unnecessary step in food prep. For years (when it was in my mom’s sugar canister) I did just fine fetching my sugar. But today, each time I hold that little tin scoop in my hand I feel grateful, grateful for the other hands that held it. It’s my little magic time machine that takes me back to other kitchens, other times.

“One of the greatest honours that we can bestow upon our ancestors is to remember them.” This is a quote I found while preparing this entry for the blog. It was included in a website about the Art of Ancestral Storytelling. It’s said that, regret is the cancer of life, and one of my great regrets is that I wasn’t more proactive, diligent or sensitive in gathering my family’s histories and stories. But, rather than dwelling on unanswered questions, or untold stories I can begin to record the ones I do know and remember. Like an amateur archeologist I can weave some stories from my recollections and the wonderful family artifacts (heirlooms?) now integrated into my own home. While it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever have the privilege of knowing my own great-grandchildren I can leave them a gift of their ancestry by recording mine, and those who went before me. And you can bet that among my written ramblings will be included a little black tin sugar scoop.

Since the beginning of time, and throughout history, stories have bound us together through their teachings, their influencing and informing, not to mention their entertainment value. Yet we’ve all but lost "natural" story telling traditions and skills today. Rather we rely on professionals to tell us stories through TV, movies and books. So what can we do to see that our own personal stories get told? We can write things down without worry of “perfection.” Our purpose is not to sell volumes or make a best sellers’ list, but rather to connect one generation to the next and on down the line. We can make albums that include stories and pictures. We can make audio or video recordings of our stories, we can interview other family relatives and include their voices, their stories. We can tell a story that no one else can.

“Generativity”-- producing new life or offspring. For over a decade Dan P. McAdams, professor of psychology at Northwestern University, and his students have been examining this concept of generativity in the context of the adult’s concern for and commitment to the next generation – through both quantitative surveys and qualitative analyses of life stories. His recent book, The Redemptive Self: Stories American Live By integrates research and images of the life stories of American adults. This book won the 2006 William James Award from the American Psychological Association for best general-interest book in psychology, across all subfields.

This entry submitted by guest blogger, Cathy Colbert Inman

The Speed of My Illusions

When my daughter was younger, she was scheduled to take part in a dance recital. That is probably a bit of an overstatement since "dance" to her at that age mostly meant shimmying and shuffling a little while smiling like Shirley Temple. Event title aside, I was rushing from my workplace to pick her up at her childcare so we could be at the second full dress rehearsal on time. I had discovered at the first rehearsal that the recital was as much an event for the mothers as the children. The veteran moms were lined up backstage with an arsenal of beauty supply products for use on their young daughters. There was a very specific list of how they should look, including their hairstyles and even their eye make-up. While I was disturbed vaguely by the prospect of layering purple eye shadow on my 5-year old, I was dutifully going through the list at each red-light along the way. Somewhere between me mercilessly tightening her hair into a prim bun and lining her lips, she peered up at me and said quietly "Mommy, you are going too fast."

"Psssssssttttt" (that is the sound that my illusions make when they fizzle out like a popped balloon). She wasn't talking about my driving, folks. And she was right.

Activities can enrich children’s lives and expose them to many opportunities for future success. But too many activities can create stress and exhaustion, spreading children too thin. According to a study from the University of Michigan, children as young as 3 have notably less down time than children of the same age twenty years ago.

“Down time” is time when there are no set activities; time is unstructured and reasonably free. Children who don’t have much free time probably don’t have enough time simply to be children. Family time also gets squeezed out as more activities are added to an already full calendar. Many experts believe that family time is the glue that holds family members together.

How can parents make sure their young children are not overscheduled and protect some family time?

· Include free time. The Work and Family Institute recommends that parents make sure their child has down time every day. Children need this to relax. They also need to learn how to play by them-selves so that they don’t always count on others to entertain them.

· Limit the number of organized activities to two or so per week. This allows the child to focus and prevents exhaustion. It also makes room for family time and down time.

· Make sure activities are fitted to the child’s age. For example, 3-year-old Jenna may love dancing but not be ready for beginning ballet. Little Bobby may like kicking the ball around but he does not need to experience the competition of serious team sports for quite some time.

· Choose activities of interest to the child. Sometimes, adults can have their own reasons for wanting their child to be involved in some activity. For example, Jim always wanted to play football so he signed 4-year-old Taylor up for “Preschool Pigskins” although the little boy could care less. Choose and build on what your child likes.

· Find some activities that you can do together. Research shows that children are better off in many ways when their parents do things with them. Together, take a walk or ride bikes, read a book or bake cookies, plant flowers. If your child likes art, spend time drawing pictures together or find a parent-child art class where you can share in your child’s interest. Children who like dance and music might love a parent-child creative movement group or listening to music and creating funny moves while you do chores together.

In the long run, children’s best interests are not served by an overly busy schedule that overshadows family and down time.

In his book The Intentional Family, William Dougherty argues that parent leadership can keep families connected and strong. He writes, “An intentional family rows and steers its own boat rather than being moved only by the winds and current.” With this in mind, I have slowed down in the last few years. It benefits my daughter and it benefits me.

Finding Time for Us

Sometimes my husband Bill's work takes him away from home. This past week, he was on the road where he slept in a hotel Monday through Thursday night. When this happens, if I take my mother’s advice, I’ll squeeze in as many precious “me” moments as I can in his absence. I recall that when my dad was occasionally gone overnight, Mom made no secret that a party was about to unfold. No, not an adolescent “Risky Business” kind of party, but a “we’ll eat cereal for supper and watch episodes of I Love Lucy in our nighties” kind of party. She knew how to live it up, my mom.

For me, I find it hard to constantly switch gears. The family schedule changes somewhat depending on whether Bill is in the house or on the road. Like many dual-earners, we have arranged our lives and divided the chores in such as way that we can keep things afloat. I cook, he cleans. I feed the dogs and walk them in the morning, he comes home at lunch. I supervise homework, he makes me tea. When he is here, that is. Maybe the worst part of the traveling is trying to find some private time to stay connected when our time is so limited. I am tempted to meet him at the door with a mop and bucket on Friday evening when he returns to welcome him into the squalor that has exploded in his absence.

Whether they travel or not, modern busy couples have to be creative to find some private time to keep their relationship on track. When partners do not take the time to tend to each other, it can lead to poor communication and feelings of emotional distance.

In her book What’s Happening to Home, author Maggie Jackson says, “Privacy protects us, allowing us to nurture our most intimate relations with others…” Researchers agree that partners need some private time, away from the hustle and bustle, to pay attention to each other. It is important to protect your relationship in a world where parenting, jobs, social duties and electronic gadgets often intrude on the couple’s privacy. While children need and deserve time, attention, and love, it is important to remember that children also benefit when their parents have a strong relationship.

Here are some ideas for creating and making the most of private couple time.

Set clear boundaries. Boundaries, with limits you both enforce, can help keep all the parts of your life in their proper places. Examples: “Cell phones have to turned off during dinner.” Or “Saturday mornings are always our breakfast date, no matter what.” Or “No checking work email on the weekend.” Make sure your kids know about couple time and respect it, too. You may need to plan during times when they are busy or asleep, especially when they are too young to respect privacy.

Manage your non-couple time. Productivity has many benefits. If you make the most of your time while you are apart, it is easier to dedicate some free time to your partner, for example, in the evenings or on the weekend.

Share responsibilities.

There are many responsibilities around the house that can eat into couple time or can cause resentment and prevent couples from making the most of their private time. Make sure that both people agree about what is a fair division of labor.

When both partners contribute to the many jobs that keep a household running such as cooking, cleaning, errands and shopping, everything is done sooner and there can be more couple time. Couples who agree on how to share the load report being happier than those who don’t.

Candles and tablecloths are optional. Private time does not have to be expensive or even out of the house. It can be a coffee date at the start of the morning or an ice cream cone on the porch after everyone else is in bed. It is the one-on-one time that matters. It doesn’t have to be long either.

Quality private time. Use your precious time well. Share with each other. This includes being open about your day and your feelings. While this does not mean you have to spill your guts about every little thing, it bonds couples to share regularly, especially any concerns. Remind your partner of your commitment to him or her, either in words or in actions. This is never old news!

After the next trip, on Friday evening I will meet Bill at the door with a nice cup of tea. I am going to suggest a long walk with the dogs so I can hear the details of his week and tell him about mine. (Between now and then, in honor of Mom, I’ll watch a few episodes of I Love Lucy in my jammies while munching my way through a bowl of Cheerios…).

When the holidays are not so bright

It is easy to think that everybody is deliriously happy during the time between Thanksgiving and the New Year. After all, there is plenty of cheery holiday music blaring at every turn. People are bustling about buying gifts and making cookies. Many are talking about plans with family members and friends. There seems to be a sheen of glittery anticipation on everything and everyone.

Except that for many of us, the holidays are a time of sadness, loneliness, and pain. The National Institute of Mental Heath reports that depression is a reality in the lives of 20 million Americans each year. The Institute gives the following red flags which may indicate depression:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
• Increasing irritability, impatience, and/or short-temper

Depression is a serious problem that can be helped. Healthcare providers can be a first step in finding much-needed relief. For more information, check out the link to the NIMH to the right.

Some folks do not suffer from long-term depression but find that seasonal blues are common. Sometimes this can be SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which commonly is related to the increasing darkness of the winter months. Experts have an impressive toolbox of options for treating SAD, including light therapy, altering eating patterns, and even medicines. But my favorite is visiting a warm sunny beach during the winter months. Okay, so they don't specify a beach but it sounds good to me.

Others may find that the holidays themselves seem particularly difficult, perhaps related to the feeling that "everyone but me is deliriously happy at this time of year." Thus, I return to where I started. Mental Health America discusses the following reasons for what they call Holiday Depression and Stress. (See the link at the right.)

stress, fatigue, unrealistic expectations, over-commercialization, financial constraints, the inability to be with one’s family and friends, and [t]he demands of shopping, parties, family reunions and house guests.

As if those weren't enough, many of us experience a let down after the holiday celebrations.

Some people are more prone to the holiday blues and blahs, including those who have experienced major life transitions recently (like relationship break-ups or divorce or other losses, geographic separation from loved ones, or changes in work or family situation).

So what can we do? Some researchers, including Ulrich Schimmack from the University of Toronto, argue that we each have a stable "set point" of happiness... that most of us will have some ups and downs but will return to that set point eventually. This would be good if I am a generally happy person with a pretty high happiness point but dismal news if I am a natural Scrooge. This set point is not set in stone, however, as Ed Deiner at the University of Illinois and his colleagues note that certain critical life events can alter our tendency ( for example, losing a loved one or a job). Other experts such as Sonja Lyubomirsky (University of California) have evidence that people can positively influence their own levels of happiness by purposefully focusing on the good things in their lives, helping others, and simply expressing gratitude.

Here are a few concrete steps to help control holiday depression.

• Reach out by formally volunteering or informally giving of your time, energy, or resources to others. When people give, they truly receive benefits to their own wellbeing.
• Don't focus on the past but envision a happy future. Ruminating (going over and over the same thoughts) has been linked to depression. Find a way to interrupt yourself when you start reliving regrets- get busy with something constructive.
• Don't attempt to excessively numb yourself with alcohol, other substances, eating, or over-busyness. Find a way to allow some sad or other negative feelings to come out (for example, talk to someone about them). Don't ignore but acknowledge them and then move on.

As for me, I’m working on an argument to myself that holiday sanity requires heading to the beach to soak up some happiness along with some vitamin D…